To the tired MOM

Today is Friday moms and I am so glad this week is over. It has been a long and emotional week for me. July 3rd I prepared myself mentally and physically to say good bye to my husband for three weeks. He has taken an interim job with the company that he works for. It's August 26 and he is still there and will be for another two more weeks. 3 weeks has turned into eternity.

On the weekends my husband comes home to spend it with us. The weekends are just not long enough. It's not enough time to catch up on sleep that I have not got all week, spend meaningful time with my husband, and take time for me. I need time to be by myself to not think about anything. I have to have time to disconnect. You know, if you are a mom or parent of kids with special needs, you are plugged in 24/7. We don't sleep even when our eyes are closed. I'm not sure I every reach REM unless I know that I can count on my husband to be on watch so that I can turn off. It is easy to see how we develop such things as PTSD keeping this kind of schedule.

I have not been very good at developing a good support team for myself. I like to maintain this 'I can do it all' image. The thing is, I can't do it all. I have went into survival mode more than once during these last several weeks. I have dropped everything. Therapies, and all other appointments just to survive. This is exhausting. I'm not sure that I have articulated what my needs are to my family so that they can be a support to me during this time. God knows that I have tried. I have said everything except, "Get over here right now before I lose my sanity." The thing is during "crises" mode if all that you have at the end is your dignity, then by all means keep your dignity. Bahaha!

I laugh it off, but in times like these I do turn to God and trust him more than ever before. He has been the constant. When you can't trust anyone else, even your family, you can trust God. His strength is perfect. There is a song that I have played over and over during this time in my life. I'll leave the link here https://youtu.be/pSUu3H3rFQQ This song is sang by the Indiana Bible College, "Lord, I am broken. My life is in pieces, but your strength is perfect in all of my weakness." These are just a few of the words. It has really been a great source of strength for me. The words, the repetition of the name of Jesus was such a great reminder to me. He is my best friend. When no one shows up, God always will show up. All we have to do is call on his name. The strength that I have found during this time in my life will be a constant reminder that when my strength is gone, I can always count on God for his strength to get me through. I will look back even with this being one of the most difficult times in my life and say that I was truly blessed. God came through for me.

Maybe next time we will talk about what survival mode looks like. I might share a few pics as proof of the disaster that is my house right now. Oh my... maybe not. Remember I still have my dignity to protect. My dignity and my silly pride. Shaking my head (SMH)

I hope that you all get what you need out of your weekends. Get some rest. Enjoy some time to just unplug.  Just breathe...

Praying for you mom. Hang in there.

Shelli Allen, That Autism MOM